How do I start..
The first time I did this I didn’t really do a good job, or perhaps the better way to put it would be that I didn’t do it right. This blog was meant to be an expression of my internal struggle either of past or of present nature. Instead and as usual I have used the blog as a tool for gaining attention so this is me stating with a clean sleight:
With the help of time I have managed to become the things I hate the most. First and in my opinion the worst is that I have become a hypocrite. I have become the person which I speak so ill of. The person I trash and reduce to a mere particle with just a glance in their direction.
I have become that particle.
And ow my god the lies the deceit so incredible, that I find my self a member of the audience as I tell the tale. What have I become? Is there no way to just pass go collect 200 and start over?
I lead a parallel life one internally and the other externally. I put on a mask and smile, if you were to see me it would seem as though I do not have a care in the world. That I have everything under control with no lose end left untied. But its all lies every single charade every single uproar, all just a mask.
When I speak my voice carries its self so steadily to every presence in the room so there is no hesitation as to who I am. Ahaha but alas as we all know nothing fake ever lasts including strength built upon a memory. The force of my voice as I scream alone in the dark, while my lungs bleed for air seems to just bounce off the walls and into my head, where it amplifies its self far away from anyone’s ears.
I have encaged myself within my mind, entrapped myself within my own body hidden below layers of skin muscle fat and blood. My true self seems only to stem out throw the tips of my fingers and onto this screen.
Hello this is me.
7 comments:
Sometimes we tend to wear such masks to appeal to others and to have access to what feeds our needs. Others may tend to be complete strangers to us and no matter what we do we don’t seem capable to fit into such circles (or we maybe the strangers to them)
We may even go to extreme limits seeking that inhabitable addictive habit we've developed, the key thing is the realization of the situation once the rapture is gone and the sense is back into our minds.
what we've been oblivious towards, is now a vivid.
Aren't we all, more or less, entrapped within our own bodies? Do our minds not say something different from what we hear our tongues saying? Then. Again. Every now and then.
As much as we blame ourselves for it, as much as we claim that we are the ones at fault, as we much as we say that we are taking the easy way out...by lying, deceiting, being hypocritical; in the end, we are wrong. Perhaps not entirely. But to a certain extent.
It is not you who has turned yourself into a hypocrite of sorts. It is the environment. The people. Everything. Do you honestly feel you want to imprison your thoughts? Your inbuilt instinct? No. You don't. They do. Expectations. Limitations. Reservations. The list goes on.
Do not hold yourself at fault. Your exterior is but the product of your surroundings, of the pressure people exert on you. Your interior is what you are, who you are, and perhaps...perhaps...one day, you will be able to let it free.
Take care of that inner flame, do not let outer values extinguish it. Hold on it, for one day...you will be free, to let your inner spirit out.
Touché: when we gain what it is we seek through a filter, the effects of it are not satisfying. A person will keep wearing that mask to keep gaining access to what it is he needs until that mask fuses with him. He is then unable to differentiate between what he was and what it is he has become. Once it is vivid the question is what should be done?
Manutdfanatic: We can’t blame our surroundings for what it is we have become, especially if we are fully aware of the implications that society poses upon us. These expectation’s limitations and reservations you talk about are found in every society but only a few seem to be bothered by them, what makes our society any different from theirs? Why do these things effect us more then it does them? It takes one person to stand in the way of these unwritten rules and another person after that and so on. By the time we realize what has happen those rules will be erased and forgotten. Though until that time comes I will as you said take care of the flame and perhaps one day it will become a fire and I become one of the few to break out of my inner prison.
Z., it is true that you cannot blame your surroundings for what you have become. Not entirely. But to an extent, yes. Your surroundings play a strangely dual purpose; one, that it is in fact your environment that shapes your inner spirit, and two, that it is that same environment that imposes restrictions upon us, caging the same inner spirit it more or less created.
Of course this exists in all societies, in all shapes and sizes. However, I do not agree with your claim that it affects "us" more than it affects "them". Perhaps I do not understand what you mean by us and them. Anyhow,
it is absurd to think it does not
affect people in other societies; it does. The only difference is that it affects some more than others. In essence, the reason why some people's inner spirit manages to eke its way through is because these people let it; they stand up, in some cases bravely, to society's baseless regulations...and manage to break free albeit a little bit.
Keep that flame alive, Inshallah the day it evolves into a fire shall come soon. Hang in there.
Manutdfanatic: of course I can’t deny that society does shape us. What I mean is we can’t keep going around and using it as an excuse; it’s just too easy if you know what I mean. Back to the point I made about us and them “Why do these things effect us more then it does them?” Remember this is relating to the aspect of the blog that referred to the masking of a person’s true feelings. It seems that Halloween is a reality everyday in our culture, true disguise dose exist in theirs but to a much lesser degree. This all relates back to the resent question I posed are we a collective or an individualistic culture, this will partially explain why we wear masks as often as we do.
Once it is vivid and you are aware of your subconscious then you’ll take some mental steps to reconnect to your genuine self and try to eliminate whatever reasons drove you into that path. You’ll start to figure out the needs and start feeding them wit the mask off.
Living a dual personality and not being ware of it or consciously acknowledging it is something understandable as the mask nurtures your needs but once the link is broken and you are aware of such hypocrisy then the you know that it is a burden to keep on wearing it and the guilt shall be nurtured daily.
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