Crush

As a kid I used to have crushes on random guys. Sometimes they would be hot at others smart, depending on my mood . The crush used to stem from wacky hormones, they were uncontrollable but as quick as they came they vanished. It’s been a while since I have had one of those moments, where at the site of a specific guy I just turn to mush. I have been thinking as to why this hasn’t happened to me lately, and just like that all of a sudden it did. The reason I didn’t recognize it at first was because the rush I got from my crush was unclear, since it had changed. The feelings were no longer that of fluttering butterflies in my stomach, or thoughts of how our babies would look. It was more like admiration, respect and the anticipation of what else is there to him.

the thing is..

I am sick of having everything childproofed for me, no longer a kid and soon not even a teen. Technically I am old enough to be a parent, but how am I suppose to be a good one if I have not had my fill of life. Seems odd I live one life but with two different paths. One in which I am independent and always learning, the other I am just stagnant. Being flexible is one thing but being constantly in an unstable environment is another. It’s a battle one minute I am free as a bird, the next I find my self in a cage. I have been coping for two years now with this same scenario, but lately the cage seems to be shrinking. I find my self performing greater acts of rebellion once I am allowed to fly to compensate for the lost time spent in the cage. Though more and more I find my self falling deeper into a hole that not even my wings can help carry me out of it. Seems I have one of two choices either try to eliminate the cage by embarking on a new path, or I just deal with it.